my father warns me that there are spiders in the sheets
the bed is old and unused
and the sheets are greasy and creased
the bedframe is broken, it creaks

if there are spiders in the sheets, i hope they are poisonous

goodbyes were never my strong suit
i can part with friend and family alike without shedding a tear 
but the thought of leaving you hollows out my chest
and i can feel a gruesome pang of despair
lance through my neck and head
like venom

if there are spiders in the sheets, i hope they are poisonous

life has treated me in eighteen years unfairly
i lay awake monday nights with eyes burning and waterlogged
unable to get a loop of words to leave my mind
and all i can think about is leaving you
and all i can wonder about is spiders in the sheets
and how i hope they are poisonous

if you had hands i would hold them and never let go
if you could understand i would tell you
i wish i knew the words to explain
i wish i could bring you with me

there will come a day when i can never see you again
and it hurts me just to think of
i feel as if i am removing
different organs, one at a time,
for some surgeon with a cooler
in a motel bathroom

whatever pain has made a home in my chest
feels worse than the very worst spider bite
surely. it must be physical
surely. there are spiders in the sheets
and surely, they are poisonous

i couldn’t fall asleep till three am
and when i did it was with tears in my eyes
and leaden, deadened lungs
i couldnt breathe and i still cant
cold sweat forms patterns that decorate my neck

behind my eyes waited monsters in the shapes of memories that ive tried so hard to forget
ghosts dont haunt places, they haunt people
and not all ghosts are dead
because ghosts of you sink gaseous teeth into my brain when im alone
i never get to sleep for long,
i wake up with screams on my tongue and in my ears
i remember what i did to you and that haunts me, too
i feel like the shell of an entity, filled with spectres of memories and people and places and mistakes
what are we really defined as if not our mistakes
what really sticks with us but our mistakes
and what really hurts but our mistakes, when no matter how much we apologize we cannot take them back

i woke up at 1 pm with fog in my eyes and terror shaking my bones
i live like a zombie, and there are a million like me but the normals dont see them
we walk sluggishly, our eyes half closed, and we barely make it out of bed each day
weighed down by our own mistakes, our self hate, drowning in the past
we are everywhere and we look just like you

you should be afraid, but no one is more afraid that we
no one is more afraid than me

 #longs

the moon breeds new atlantic life tonight
and drops of the stars crash down onto my tongue
down my open throat
i feel the burn of fire in my chest, and in my stomach
my skin pricks and glows under the half closed eyes of a yearning sun
night peels into day and i shed whatever comfort i gene in the darkness
i am so scared, so, so scared,
to try and live a life where i can’t flee at a seconds notice
the breath of the forests fills me, and yet i stand stone-bound
at the feet of metal-and-glass giants
terrified, the way a field mouse feels in the city’s sewers
but there is little or no choice in the matter
for im shackled here to a life thats written and signed by parents and gods and god-parents
sort of human and sort of alive
dreams fill my head when night falls again
 i imagine the stars are inviting me home
as hard as i try to reach up and touch them my hands only feel cold air
but your smoke still chokes my lungs when i inhale
and i still exhale clouds of love
but im slowly cleansing myself of you

i love you
i love you
i love you
like saturn loves neptune

i love you
i love you
i love you
like a firefly loves june

i love you
i love you
i love you
like a deaf man loves a tune

i love you
i love you
i love you
and i hate that i do
in my dreams you love me too

i love you
i love you
i love you
kill my heart, 
it pulls me apart,
war and bloodshed between mind and heart

i love you
i love you
i love you
my lantern and my darkness
my umbrella and my rain

i love you
i love you
i love you
heart still beating
i’m a solider
my body, a shell
my head is hell

(gross) love
(sick) love
(sad) love
it fills me,
disgusting.

i love you,
i love you,
i love you.

he rules my dreams, 
and my body. my mind.

i still exhale clouds of love,
for i am a smoker and he is my brand.
and rather than a cancer leeching my life away,
there is the manic, racing, bracing thought:
"he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t care,"

but i can’t seem to quit him,
i can’t seem to escape,
i can’t seem to outrun the love i thought we’d made.
and what i’d give for another taste of his honeydew words,
his rancid breath, his dark eyes and darker teeth

for I still dream of his fingers in my hair,
and my hand trembles as i write.

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, 
but if he isn’t careful, i might.

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him 
but i’m cornered and i bite.

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him,
but our future’s out of sight

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him
but it still binds me tight.

what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him 
but it still hurts me, right?

 #image

the distance is simply much too far
for our brief Skype calls
to tame the ache in my bones
and the wind in my heart

 #shorts

Read More

 #longs

you are two thousand
miles away, and yet you can
still hear me whisper

 #image